Which One Are You: Do You Love Yourself More Than You Hate Yourself or Otherwise?

Which one are you? Do you love yourself more or do you hate yourself more? 

I used to hate myself. Alot.

Well, I still do now, but I'm trying to love ME MYSELF more.

People were always bullying me even from I was a kid. Some people at school used to told me that I am pretty, so that's why they don't like it and they bullied me (for having pretty face).

At school, I used to hate myself because they told me I'm pretty. I hate to be pretty because it's hurt, mentally. I don't feel I'm pretty because I looks like nerd at school. Glasses, skinny and bony, pony tail hair, and with manga in my bag that I read in class time (ehe).

But now, I know some people out there called me fat and ugly. It hurts. Because when they say it everyday (and oftenly), I do believe that i'm changed into a fat and ugly girl. Nothing pretty from me, even when I do some make up or dress up to go somewhere.

Body shaming? I don't know this terms back then. I don't even know the term of bullying. I just know that people hates me and saying nasty and mean words to me.

You know what hurts most? The words doesn't came from people I don't know, it came from people around me, people who are so close to me, people whose their words means alot to me. And know I know it's one kind of abuse, they're using the terms verbal abuse for those who are always hurt people so close to them in the relationship.

When people called me fat and ugly. I do believe it now because they say it oftenly. I lost my self esteem that already getting lower every single day. I  also know I'm getting fatter everyday. But not (only) because I love to eat. Even I losing my appetite or my interest of being a foodies, I'm still fat. 

It's all because I'm ill, you know. I also struggling with trauma and depression. It was already so hard when the black dog suddenly coming around me. People who don't know me called me fat and ugly? Well, it still hurts too. But not as much as people who are so close to me.

Now, I'm trying to love myself more. I try to eat healthier food. Looking some information and ingredients about things that i eat or skincare that i use. I'm trying to do some sports that doctor allowed me to do it. I also go back and forth to the doctor to check myself, mentally and physically. Because beside I wants to be pretty, I want to be healthy more so I can do things I want without my disability bothered me.

I still have a lot of dreams I want to pursue. Hopefully my dreams come true one by one, with absolutely a healthy body, mind, and soul.

Any amen and some good wishes for me? (:

Or do you have this kind of experience too? You can share it with me here. Hope after this you'll gonna love yourself more.